Foolproof guide for recovering from a bout of depression

The most beautiful part of your body is where it's headed. & remember, loneliness is still time spent with the world.

Only attend the meetings you can’t say no to. Don’t say anything the whole time. Argue with your little brother even when he just wants to know what’s up with your long face. Tell yourself he won’t understand. Tell yourself no one will understand. Know that’s not a bad thing. Know understanding is not a prerequisite to love. Sometimes it’s a follow-up. Say you’re still angry because you want someone to understand. Say you’re angry at the whole world because of the way it’s designed. Know that you can be angry at the world and still love it. Say you don’t love it or anything inside it, including yourself. Say everything has lost meaning to you. Everything can burn. That’s alright. Take it slow. It’s not going anywhere, hopefully and you shouldn’t either. Argue with your brother some more. He shouldn’t be calling you a monster, or making that annoying noise. He should just stop.

Stare at the ceiling and pretend to formulate the next scientific breakthrough when really, you’re just estimating the amount of love you’ve lost. Don’t think about the love you’ve gained. Sometimes you can only see what’s missing. That’s okay. Reach the conclusion that the love you’ve lost is far too much for anyone to bear and that’s utterly unfair. Know you’ll lose more. Know there’s nothing you can do to stop that. Say you don’t want your friends anyways, for this reason exactly and also because they’re all stupid. Know that’s untrue. Know that knowing something doesn’t make it easier to believe it. Don’t text them. Don’t call them. Don’t say anything to anyone who’s been good to you because you’re afraid your sickness will speak louder than you. Faster too. Don’t cancel your plans. Don’t make the self-sabotage that obvious. Go out with your friends, still. Watch the movie, bite the doughnut. You don’t have to love them. Forgive yourself for not loving them. You’re not out of it yet.

Cry when your mother doesn’t peel the mango for you because she’s denying you the only love she has ever provided, then cry some more because she didn’t ask how the movie was and denied you a love you didn’t know you had in the first place. Cry because you still need your father while he doesn’t need you. Cry because none of this would be happening if he wasn’t the way he is. Know you’ll spend your entire life crying over this. Know you’ll get used to it the way you got used to bleeding once a month. Go out with your friends again, even when it changes nothing. Cry because it feels like their love is headed towards better places and you’re siphoning it off. That is why it doesn’t suffice. You want no love they have. That’s not true. You want to stop altogether. That is. You want to start anew, with a fresh set of people to be mad at. But that is not possible because you have already been put together and scientists haven’t been able to figure out how. Forget about your friends. Watch a show. Watch the birds. Watch the days pass. You’re still the same. Know that’s not a bad thing. Know you’ll believe it soon. Hold your tongue before you can snap at him again; your brother mostly means well. Your friends do too. You couldn’t forget about them if you wanted to.

If you’re thinking this will end on a hopeful note, you haven’t got the point just yet. You have to wait. And then you have to find it yourself – the hope. And the point. Read a book. Love some poems. They’ll tell you everything you need to hear. You don’t have to say anything to anyone. You’ve said enough. Don’t pay attention to your head or what’s inside it. Do the work assigned to you only, or drop out of it. Say no to any new work that can be avoided. Say you’re sick because you are. Write seven hundred words instead of a thousand and call it a day. Brush your teeth at least once every two days. Drink water. Change your underwear. Only attend the meetings you absolutely can’t get out of. Share your ideas if you care, or don’t. It doesn’t really matter. Take a photo of flowers lying open on the pavement if they hold any meaning. When your friend wants to drop by, don’t turn her down. When your brother brings you a mug of coffee, sit up and have it.